tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.comments2011-09-16T17:57:56.238-07:00Heart Head GutNoah Brucehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comBlogger75125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-60264461807417218682011-09-16T17:57:56.238-07:002011-09-16T17:57:56.238-07:00Now I'm starting to understand that attachment...Now I'm starting to understand that attachment is actually a good thing, and really a very important part of all close relationships. I never really understood this before, untill you started teaching me in a different way that allowed me to grasp this concept more clearly. I feel like I'm not as afraid as I was before, and there's no reason to shut down or keep people away from me. In a way, I'm actually relieved about what happened on Thursday, it gave me a chance to recognize and change my negitive behavior.I'm starting to look at attachments in a different way, a positive way. Thanks Noah, for helping me take a few more steps forward.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-29725905817691803732011-09-10T14:49:08.550-07:002011-09-10T14:49:08.550-07:00Hi anonymous, Sorry for the delay, I didn't se...Hi anonymous, Sorry for the delay, I didn't see your comment until right now. First off, anxious/avoidant is relatively rare, so like most of us you may just show traits of different attachment types at different times. The key to differentiating between avoidant vs anxious is to look at the motivation behind your behavior. Are you afraid of losing independence (avoidant) or afraid of being abandoned (anxious)? <br /><br />You can take the attachment quiz here: http://www.attachedthebook.com/ to learn more.<br /><br />Even if you are the mixed type, there is help for you as people can change their attachment type. Opening up to others isn't easy work as you will run up against your biggest fears. Good luck!Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-73646041056574098062011-09-09T20:07:34.533-07:002011-09-09T20:07:34.533-07:00To the prior anonymous comment, No I don't thi...To the prior anonymous comment, No I don't think you're doomed. I have been single 18 years! I am 49 years old, and probably fall into the anxious category of attachments, and I still believe there's a chance for me to find love with a good man. As long as you don't give up, and keep trying to open up to others and communicate your feelings(which I am learning to do with my therapist)You'll be alright. I'm learning how to open my heart to others and express how I feel to them and about them. Keep trying, you can do it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-53341471847893057662011-09-06T20:50:39.507-07:002011-09-06T20:50:39.507-07:00I think I fall into the anxious/avoidant category....I think I fall into the anxious/avoidant category....am I doomed? I HAVE been single for about three (or is it four??) years now....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-80653392115571318192011-09-06T10:39:49.281-07:002011-09-06T10:39:49.281-07:00The attachment system comes into play with all clo...The attachment system comes into play with all close relationships - with one's children, close friends, and yes, even a therapist. Your difficulty opening up to others makes a lot of sense given your past of feeling hurt...here's to a new journey!Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-61245734204785131922011-09-05T11:26:25.474-07:002011-09-05T11:26:25.474-07:00Well, this blog seems to indicate attatchments of ...Well, this blog seems to indicate attatchments of a romantic nature, but what about attatchments to freinds, or perhaps say even a therapist? I'm not sure, but my attatchment issues seem to be centered around anxiety and anger. In fact typing this out my whole body is shaking with fear, because you know who I am, and I'm sure we'll talk about this next week, and the week after and so on and so on. I only open up very little to all people I know, not enough to actually let them get close enough to me, because I feel terrified of getting hurt, and having to deal with extremely painful, sad emotions and feelings that I've buried for several years, probably my entire life. Facing those sad feelings scares me half to death, even with a qualified therapist who can safely take me to that place I've been trying to avoid all these years. I will in time allow you to do that. And of course my childhood was a disaster, my parents causing the majority of the damage. So here's to a new journey down a painful path, that eventually leads to healing. Thanks Noah, for being willing to help me so I don't have to do it alone.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-34538494524008011772011-08-24T10:17:50.896-07:002011-08-24T10:17:50.896-07:00I checked out Cotton's and Canino's story ...I checked out Cotton's and Canino's story on the site for their book. Really inspiring. Thank you.<br /><br />If you are interested in reading more about forgiveness, check out Janis Abram Spring's How Can I Forgive You. In it, she talks about the distinction between letting go of a past hurt and actually forgiving and she says you can do the first without the second.Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-90820156757376790512011-08-22T19:49:39.050-07:002011-08-22T19:49:39.050-07:00I am not sure how they do it. People often say tha...I am not sure how they do it. People often say that if you do not forgive, it only serves to hurt you and weigh you down. Still, I find it would be so hard to do in extreme circumstances. So, yes I think it must take a lot of will power on their part! <br /><br />The man's name is Ronald Cotton. You can google him, there are lots of articles. He and the victim (Jennifer Thompson-Cannino) also wrote a book called "Picking Cotton." It's a very interesting story (although I have not read the book) because part of the problem was how the police conducted the photo line-up, which seems to have tricked the victim's memory (CBS News did an interesting article on this). Also, another twist comes in while Cotton is in prison, involving the real rapist, but I'll let you read the story. It is fascinating!<br /><br />Here's the URL to an interview Cotton and Thompson-Cannino did on NPR about forgiveness: <br />http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=101469307Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-61721044930264990152011-08-22T11:41:15.419-07:002011-08-22T11:41:15.419-07:00Thank you anonymous for the amazing story. Do you ...Thank you anonymous for the amazing story. Do you have the name of the person who was wrongly convicted? I would like to read more about it. I wonder what allows some people to forgive this kind of thing. Do they just will it to be so? I agree that this ability is heroic.Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-85497309868069407462011-08-20T18:48:56.413-07:002011-08-20T18:48:56.413-07:00For me I have a hard time imagining myself being a...For me I have a hard time imagining myself being able to forgive someone after they have done something terrible to me or a loved one. So, I think people who have been able to do so are heroes. <br /><br />I heard one story of a man who was wrongly convicted for rape and robbery after the victim picked him out of a line-up. He was sentenced to life plus 54 years. He served 11 years before he was released after DNA testing. When he got out, the victim was full of guilt and shame, and feared he would seek revenge. But, it turned out quite the opposite. They met two years later and he told her he had forgiven her long ago, that he understood she had made a mistake. I am sure his forgiveness helped her to forgive herself. Now, they are good friends and travel together speaking about their story.<br /><br />I think that ability to forgive, move on, and heal is amazing, inspiring and heroic!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-51245414252894126772011-08-19T12:44:16.723-07:002011-08-19T12:44:16.723-07:00Oh yes! Nelson Mandela is quite the hero. To me he...Oh yes! Nelson Mandela is quite the hero. To me he exemplifies conviction in that he was willing to spend over 25 years in prison for his ideals. I also like your examples of common, everyday heroes. Sometimes, while doing therapy, I find that these everyday heroes don't realize how heroic they actually are.<br /><br />Thanks anonymous.Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-67353253999336928462011-08-17T23:08:27.430-07:002011-08-17T23:08:27.430-07:00Nelson Mandela? For example.
and the more 'or...Nelson Mandela? For example.<br /><br />and the more 'ordinary people' I encounter in life: the alcoholic raised by a family of alcoholics who chooses to break the cycle of dysfunction and substance abuse; the single mother abandoned my her husband who still believes in love; the victim of abuse who still chooses to trust and see good in people.<br /><br />Those are some of my heroes...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-68389049098960493742011-08-16T09:40:34.135-07:002011-08-16T09:40:34.135-07:00Thanks Anon,
I know that feeling, when you feel f...Thanks Anon,<br /><br />I know that feeling, when you feel faith inside yourself and no matter the circumstances, you feel like you can do it. <br /><br />So who are these guys/gals who have "stayed optimistic, worked hard, and achieved goals?" I could use some more heroes myself.Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-34571676690560930822011-08-15T20:25:39.438-07:002011-08-15T20:25:39.438-07:00my heroes are those who have stayed optimistic, wo...my heroes are those who have stayed optimistic, worked hard & achieved goals even when the odds were stacked against them. I feel like these are people who kept faith in themselves. I notice when I harbor that faith within me, anything seems possible. <br /><br />thanks for this post, Noah. it's a thinker & the story of the peace pilgrim is inspiring :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-21779234484458307252011-08-15T00:40:24.422-07:002011-08-15T00:40:24.422-07:00Hey Annie,
First off, I am curious what you didn&...Hey Annie,<br /><br />First off, I am curious what you didn't write. As for what you did say, it seems you have faith in some sense of order to this life ("this too shall pass," "good will come back to you") and perhaps in yourself and your own ability to withstand hardship. Does that sound right?<br /><br />Regarding this word, "faith," it does seem to connote something religious, hence your statement that you don't have faith in a god. As I said in the post, maybe the word I am looking for is "trust" or "confidence" but to me, faith seems to speak of a trust in something bigger, not necessarily a god, but some sense that things will work out, that there is some order to the universe, that if you put energy out there (or do good in the world) the world will send energy or good back in your direction.<br /><br />Thanks for your thoughts, Annie.Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-79421142309278004842011-08-14T21:33:11.347-07:002011-08-14T21:33:11.347-07:00I started writing a comment but erased it because ...I started writing a comment but erased it because writing about faith or the lack thereof can be a touchy, very personal subject for some. I'll just say that I'm able make better sense of, and find more comfort in, this world without faith in a god. <br />I don't necessarily have heroes in terms of getting through life during challenging times. What gives me strength are simple tenets: Do unto others as you would have done to you (or put good out into the world, and good will come back to you). Also, a big comfort to me is 'This too shall pass'.Anniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01003509923187311611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-45179865719052050352011-08-14T19:11:10.440-07:002011-08-14T19:11:10.440-07:00Thank you for your kinds words. Yes, there must ha...Thank you for your kinds words. Yes, there must have been something keeping you going! It might be good to identify it, so it is more easily accessible in the future.Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-89269308385019236842011-08-14T11:22:12.806-07:002011-08-14T11:22:12.806-07:00Thank you for the reply Noah. I really like the wa...Thank you for the reply Noah. I really like the way you're so open and honest about your feelings, and it takes alot of courage to do that. That's just one of the things that makes you such a great therapist and person. There are actually several people who do inspire me to have faith when mine is shaky,especially those who have gone through hell and survived, like me. Life is not easy, and there had to have been somthing that kept me going all those years. Perhaps it was having faith in myself when no one else did, and I definately knew that God played a significant role in my survival. He had a plan for my life, and it's still in the proccess of being completed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-39875715223645898002011-08-11T21:51:43.879-07:002011-08-11T21:51:43.879-07:00Thanks for the comment anonymous. Sounds like you ...Thanks for the comment anonymous. Sounds like you have some faith - you say you have faith in God - but sometimes it wavers. That is human. And that is why I like Peace Pilgrim. Thinking about her helps me to have faith when mine is shaky.Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-81297278907638345982011-08-11T20:41:21.575-07:002011-08-11T20:41:21.575-07:00What an interesting topic. I can't say I have ...What an interesting topic. I can't say I have ever had a hero. It could have been my dad, but he pretty much blew it when I was a little girl. This probably sounds depressing, so I'm kind of uncertain why I'm writing it. I do have faith in God, and despite the fact that I do, I still have a hard time trusting him and having faith in him, myself, and others. I have been through a whole lot of shit, and I am still uncertain how I got through it without accessing faith or keeping the faith or whatever you do when life throws you a curveball or a change occurs. This must sound crazy, or maybe I do have faith, and I'm not giving myself credit for it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-60289241468206301782011-08-04T09:47:57.824-07:002011-08-04T09:47:57.824-07:00Hi anonymous,
Thanks for your comment and glad yo...Hi anonymous,<br /><br />Thanks for your comment and glad you love the blog. That feels good to hear.<br /><br />As for Marsha Linehan's "coming out," I thought it was a brave move on her part and probably furthered acceptance in our society of mental illness in general and borderline personality disorder in particular. <br /><br />It is good to hear that you have made progress in your own radical acceptance. This is a struggle for me - to really accept myself just as I am in the moment. I have noticed that when I do feel more accepting, one of the benefits of this state of mind, is that other people see more comfortable around me.<br /><br />thanks,<br /><br />NoahNoah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-47419700757052722692011-08-04T09:40:43.772-07:002011-08-04T09:40:43.772-07:00Thank you for your comment Jessica. Yes, heartache...Thank you for your comment Jessica. Yes, heartache is incredibly hard. It sounds like you are handling yours very courageously. I agree that disruptions can open us up, but they don't always work this way. I am not sure what the variable is that causes some disruptions in some people to be split open to love and other disruptions to simply knock people down. Some of it must be the attitude the person sees the disruption with. Again, your attitude sees very open and brave. I would like to read your blog. What is the address?<br /><br />-NoahNoah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-3242792283622116532011-08-03T22:14:23.207-07:002011-08-03T22:14:23.207-07:00I love your definition of mental health and the fi...I love your definition of mental health and the first part of this post really resonates. It reminds me of the idea of radical acceptance. Eliminating all the shoulds about ourselves and the world is so key. Hard to do, but worth it. <br /><br />Noah: wondering about your thoughts re: Marsha Linehan's recent 'coming out' about her personal experiences with mental illness? <-- where I l first heard the phrase. In the last year I feel I achieved this state of radical acceptance - of myself, my condition, my temperament, my identity-- but the term itself is new to me. I love it.<br /><br />Love the blog. It's awesome - enlightening & reassuring.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-25445020555863092042011-08-03T12:52:26.497-07:002011-08-03T12:52:26.497-07:00I found your article on tiny buddha. Scrolled down...I found your article on tiny buddha. Scrolled down and saw this post of yours. I am 9 months into my marriage breakup. It has been the most significant event in my life so far. Agony and ecstasy. I have found blogging about it to be therapeutic and also a bit scary! The feeling of grief has been an amazing catalyst to examine my whole internal world with love, compassion, sometimes judgement and new eyes. The love and compassion part I found out were missing after I realized how much I had been living my life abandoning myself in my marriage. The only way I have survived it is to constantly love the grief. A tall order when you can't even muster up energy to do the stack of dishes or laundry. I would not have believed anyone if they told me how hard heartbreak can be. I highly recommend getting split open now however, and have come to the humble conclusion that any disruption we have in our lives is to get us into our loving. Sometimes it takes big personal disasters to get our attention. Wishing you speed through your challenge. Especially nice that you have support. Glad I found your blog!Jessicahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00791803184046991808noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4981395802393794131.post-66977501392959785022011-07-25T10:26:47.491-07:002011-07-25T10:26:47.491-07:00Thanks Anonymous. Yeah most of the time peeps just...Thanks Anonymous. Yeah most of the time peeps just want to feel like someone is with them. Even in therapy, fixing can be a dicey endeavor. I think fixing is only called for when the person who is hurting really wants that and consents to it.<br /><br />As for the "is there anything more line?" that was actually the suggestion of my friend who sometimes edits my posts, so I give credit and thanks to her. She is a real listener.Noah Brucehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09290860683062564208noreply@blogger.com